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During a conversation on my ward, a lovely woman said to me:
"For some reason I could see you in a wicker casket"
.....great! Cheers!!
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After arriving on my new ward
You have lots of veezing?
Sorry?
Veezing.
Freezing? Am warm enough
No on your chest
What's on my chest?
No, your chest is veezing
Oh wheezing! Yes I am wheezing
You using your nebuliser is it?
Pardon?
....you can imagine how this continued!
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Overheard today on my bay. It's amazing how people think once you have the oversized J cloth curtains round you, no one can hear what you say!
Patient-I'm not being funny but it's a sorry state of affairs when you only look forward to one day a week when you go to Waitrose.
Dr-Well it is Waitrose
Patient-I suppose it could be worse, it could be aldi or Lydl
Dr-You need to have to chemotherapy
Patient-Well I don't care what it is. I don't care
Dr-Well you should care, we're poisoning you
Patient-Well I don't care because you are just mean
Patient-I'll be alright. I stopped coming to clinic
Dr-We know you did. Why?
patient-Well it was boring
Dr-You basically couldn't be arsed?
Patient-Well.....maybe.....oh I don't know.......no, it wasn't that.....ok, so yes.
Dr-Look if you were a car, you'd be in the scrap yard, that's a bit harsh but you need to understand you are ill. And if you don't listen you won't be going to Waitrose again.
Nurse-We want you to take part in a trial.
Patient-What likes physical one? Cos I'm not as steady as I used to be!
Patient talking to her visitor-You know that lady in the corner, you know when you're legs get all skinny, well her ankles are like auschwitz. When she's asleep she looks like that painting the scream. Just talking talking talking all night.
Catering staff- Ve got zanvichs, ve got soup, ve got ice crem and ve got yoghurt.
You eat yeah?
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Dr Zeus
Today you are you
That is truer than true
There is no one alive
More youer than you!
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From Julia
Dr Zeus
Today you are you
That is truer than true
There is no one alive
More youer than you!
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From Julia
......remember, some days you're the pigeon, some days you're the statue!
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In memory of my little friend Alice. She was a 96 year old gorgeously wonderful little woman who was on my ward way back in November 2012. I used to look after her...so much so she thought I was one of the nurses!
Anyway, thinking back to some of the things she did and said, made me remember a particular time when dinner had been brought round to us all.
Picture, 6 women sitting in bed, trays over us with 'dinner' on.
Alice - Its so nice that they bring us these dinners
Lizzy - Yes it is (I use the term dinners loosly as Im not even sure it was food!)
Alice - Sssh, don't tell anyone but I haven't been paying for mine
Lizzy - You dont need to pay
Alice - Why?
Lizzy - (for the hundredth time) Because you are in hospital
Alice - Am I?
Lizzy - Yes
Alice - so what about you? What are you doing in that bed?
Lizzy - I'm in hospital too
Alice - Oh, I thought you were one of the nurses. Funny funny old world.
(Alice goes back to eating her dinner then starts muttering away to herself about a post office)
Lizzy - Are you alright Alice?
Alice - Yes. But these stamps arent working!
Lizzy - What stamps?
Alice - these ones theyve left me, a red first class and a blue second class. They dont stick properly.
Lizzy - Show me
Alice - Here look. They dont make things like they used to.
Lizzy - Bless, Alice these arent stamps, they are the salt and pepper sachets to go with your dinner.
Alice - Oh that explains it then! Oh I must be going mad.
Lizzy - Dont worry
Alice - Are you a nurse?
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This is a golden oldie....
Mum to nurse-have you got anything you know, like a straw?
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This one is an old 1 too, but I'll share it with you anyway
Context-buying our campervan
John-there is the fridge, cooker and sink. Just behind is the toilet.
Lizzy-Ok. What's that!
John-Thats a modesty screen that pulls out and the toilet has a cassette system that slides out easily from the back
Dad-she doesn't need to know all about that, our Elizabeth goes to the toilet in a bag,
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Remember when it is darkest, then you see the stars
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