In my experience of being both an out patient and an in patient, I have learnt a lot. But one thing always stuck with me.....people in the medical profession lie!
Dont get me wrong, they lie for a very good reason, probably to stop you bolting out of the hospital like a headless chicken with it's arse on fire (no doubt that the chickens arse is sticking out of one of those gowns!)
So I decided to write this section entitled ' What doctors say.....what doctors mean!' as unfortunately, it's not quite the same thing!
MRSA
What
they say…..
“We
need to take a quick swab with a tiny stick, nothing to worry about”Ok I think, no problem.
What they actually mean…..
We are going to take this pokey stick, ram one up your nose and one between your legs. You’ll feel like you’ve got the ’lurgy’ and we’ll always make sure it’s a bloke just to add to the embarrassment!
What they say…….
“We just need to pop the swab in to test the fluid”
Ok. Sounds a doddle!
What they actually mean….
I am going to push this stick straight into your stomach by opening the wound….oh yes, and all without warning you and without the use of aneasthetic of course.
Afterwards,
I’ll stick this patch over it, open your curtain and bugger off leaving you
bewildered and a little bit shocked.
What they say…..
“I’m just going to pop this testing stick into your wound bag to test the fluid.”
What
they should have said …..
“I
have absolutely no idea how to swab in the wound bag. I will need you to help
me as I have never seen one before let alone swabbed it. Afterwards I will tip
you on your side to drain some into a specimen bottle and you will wonder
whether I am in fact qualified!
CONSULTANTS
What
they say….“The doctors will pop round and discuss the next part of your treatment”
What
they mean ….
About
20 people will all try to squeeze around your bed and shut the curtain around
them. This will usually involve at least 2 people. 3 late comers will have to
stand on their tip toes to peep over the others so that you will fully feel
like a circus act.
We
will then pick up your folder and talk about you as if you are not there. One
of us may smile at you for good measure, if you’re lucky. We will answer your
questions in the vaguest of ways, undo your curtain, all burst out and spill
back into the ward before squeezing into your next door neighbour’s curtain to
start again!
What they said……
We’ll pop a needle into the back of your hand to give you a little pain killer and sedative. We will then pop a small lead into your back passage, use a little bit of air if needed. Inside is a tiny camera that will take a few pictures of certain areas. We’ll slowly take the camera out, release the pressure, then you’ll be ready to go home.
What
they actually meant ……
We’ll
pump you full of crap in an IV line that will leave a bruise. The lead isn’t
small at all and we lied when we used the word ‘pop’The little bit of air that we mentioned is probably enough to inflate a small air ship and will grumble around inside you until you manage to fart like a howitzer (usually when you are surrounded by lots of people) Then and only then will you be so yucky that you would quite happily run out of the hospital and try desperately to never be seen again.
What they said…..
Inside the tube is a small set if tiny metal prongs that will take a few samples, you wont feel a thing.
What they should have said……
Inside the tube is one of those grabby things that old people buy from Kleeneze or get with a free token from Readers Digest. You know, the ones so they can pick up things from the floor.
It’ll shoot out of the tube at a rate of knots, grab part of your insides and tear them from the lining of your bowel. You will bleed…..oh and we forgot to mention that we will be taking 17 in total.
What they said……
Sharp scratch
What
they should have said …………..
Just
shoving this piece of metal in your arm, it’ll hurt!What they said…..
Just popping a line into the back of your hand, arm, wrist, neck (you name it!) now, relax.
What
they should have said ……
Brace
yourself and we know there is no way you can possibly relax when we are coming
at you with this very sharp looking object. We just say it for a little bit of
a laugh really!We’ll leave it in your arm for ages until it swells and then probably ignore you when you complain that it hurts. We will eventually take it out and you’ll bruise like an old woman. People may also think you’re a druggy for a while.
What they said …..
Don’t worry, you can live a completely normal life and no one will ever be able to see it under your clothes
What
they should have said ……
Clothes?!!
Ha ha!! You wont even be able to wear pants when we’ve finished with you! And
as far as living a normal life, part of your insides will be hanging out of
your body which is abnormal enough in itself. You won’t be able to stand up
straight let alone walk. It will get so heavy and full that you have to walk
funny. Oh also, we forgot to say, we’re probably going to put a bag on the
other side of your abdomen too to collect all the red crap that will be
splurging out the other side.Drink this liquid, there’s only a litre which works out as a cup every 15 minutes or so. We’ll pop back and get you. Inside the room there is a table that you will lie down on, we’ll pop some headphones on your ears so we can communicate with you. We’ll take a few pictures, then we will be done.
What
they should have said ……
Drink
this vile tasting crap that tastes like iron filings and death. Don’t whine,
just do it. We don’t know why we keep using the terminology ‘pop’, it just
makes us feel better.The liquid we use and the amount is currently being tested for use on terrorists during torture due to it’s totally horrific qualities… we’re quite proud to be a part of it really!
If you actually manage to make it into the room under your own steam.. .and without throwing up (as if you do, you’ll have to start again), we’ll put headphones on that are so big that your head will feel like its falling off and you’ll look like a sad 1980’s DJ. We’ll then say useful things like breathe in, hold your breath…..and usually forget to tell you that you can breathe out again.
Oops
and we forgot to tell you that being pulled into that tunnel will make you feel
like you are being buried alive. Nevermind!
Please dont let this put you off receiving treatment....it's yucky but it might you save your life.
COMING SOON-
PICC line insertion
Chemotherapy
CT scans