Welcome to the NHS answer phone service.
You are currently in a queue
Your call is important to us but not important enough to employ enough operators to answer your call
Please wait for an operator to be available
Alternatively you can chose from the following options
If you would like to speak to someone about OCD please press 1 repeatedly
If you would like to speak to someone about multiple personality disorder please press 2, 3, 4 and 5
If you would like to speak to someone about low self esteem don't bother pressing a number, no one will answer you anyway.
If you would like to speak to someone about memory problems please press 241895735
If you would like to leave a message to enable us to return your call, please speak clearly leaving the following details: name, contact telephone number, date of birth, hair colour, eye colour, NHS number, NI number, blood type, donor preferences, weight, height favourite food and Shoe size. You have 3 seconds to record your message starting from the beep. Beep.