Welcome to Sister Bernadette!
Now, what you need to knowSister Bernadette is a nun. A nun who works as a teacher at a local convent school for girls.
Sister Bernadette is based on a few people I know and my experience as a primary school teacher!
(Sounds better if read in a broad Irish accent!)
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The retirement village
Good morning class. I'm glad to see you've all read our newsletter and are excited about our trip today. But before we depart I would like us to say a little prayer. Please bow your heads.
No, Alisha the driver doesn't need to bow his head. He won't be able to see the road then will he? Goodness me.
Yes Alisha? We'll I'm sure if the driver would like to pray then he could join us. I don't know if he is Catholic but does it really matter?
Right, now, thank you lord for this wondrous day where we will be visiting a retirement village.
A retirement village Penny, but please try not to interrupt. And no, it is not Butlins for grannies or whatever your brother called it Sarah.
Now. Let us pray. We hope we will make lots of new friends. Remember, a friend is a stranger you just haven't met yet.
Ruth? Yes I know you are not supposed to talk to strangers. We'll yes, but obviously we know that these strangers are kind, lovely people that would love you to spend time with them.
I don't know what old evil people look like Penny but please don't use that terminology. It's not appropriate.
I'm sure older people can be dangerous too, you're right Ruth, but I'm sure there aren't any shady characters at Shady Pines. Ha ha. Why am I laughing? We'll its a joke isn't it? Shady characters at Shady Pines?
No?
Oh never mind.
Onwards driver!
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The charitable outing
Welcome class to our charity day and I'm glad so many of you have attended this, our charity shop experience. Miranda, please put that down. Now, where do you think all of these items come from?
Yes Sarah. No, they don't come from M&S. Yes, I know M&S cater for the older lady but I don't think that is where all the donations come from.
Yes BHS is also popular and please don't refer to the older generations as biddies.
Now, what happens when the donations arrive at the shop? We'll done, yes they are sorted through. No, not to find the "good stuff and nab it" Thankyou Bethany. It is then washed or steamed. No, not because old people smell. We'll yes Bethany I'm sure your grandmother tries hard to get to the toilet in time and please don't call it 'dump'.
Who can tell me who the proceeds go to when the items are sold? And who uses the terminology 'Big Wigs' Miranda? We'll I'm sure your father wasn't referring to charity shop managers.
No, the proceeds go to the local charity they are representing. Who can think of any?
Yes, we'll done, the RSPCA, Help the Aged, Cancer research, Loros and The Heart Foundation. Your Grandmother Bethany? Well I'm sure your mother wasn't referring directly to your grandmother when she used the terminology 'charity case'.
Wow look at the time.
We have unfortunately ran out of time in this charity shop but we can move on to another one this afternoon.
No Sarah not M&S.
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Welcome back to St Margarets after what I hope was a wonderful summer for you all.
I myself had a wonderful break where I visited a tranquil retreat in the Welsh mountains. Upon entering the retreat it is made compulsory for all to make a vow of silence which enables visitors to reach a sense of oneness with the world around them. I believe this to be a wonderful idea for our first lesson today as I feel that many of you will benefit from some silence, especially you Miranda, as you never seem to stop talking long enough to take a breath let alone taking a look at yourself.
Now are there any questions before we begin?
Yes Sarah
No you may not ask to go to the toilet, you must just raise your hand, like this.
Yes Tabitha
- But Sister, what if we have a question?
Well, if you raise your hand and I will know that you have a question.
Yes Tabitha
- But how will you know the difference?
I have a lot of experience with children therefore I am sure I will know the difference
-But what happens if one of us is desperate for the toilet and you think we have a question, so you dont ask us straight away and we end up wetting ourselves?
I'm sure that won't happen
-But it could happen, my brother waited for his teacher to answer and he wet himself
Oh dear. I'm sorry to hear that
-So was my mum Sister, he was wearing his new uniform
Well I'm sure your mother just popped it into the washing machine and no harm was done
-It was though Sister, a lot of harm was done. He was sitting on the headteachers suede covered swivel chair at the time
Thank you for that Tabitha. Has anyone else got any questions before we start?
Yes Tamsin
-What colour was the chair?
What chair?
-The suede swivel chair?
Is it really that important?
-Well yeah. That happened to me dad once and me mam had to die it dark brown to hide the stain
Tabitha, what colour was the chair?
-Yellow I think
Tamsin, it was yellow.
-Well that's alright then
And may I ask why?
-Cos wee is yellow aint it?
Thankyou Tamsin. Now if we could go on. Any other questions?
Yes Miranda
-Can't we have different signals for if we want the toilet?
I don't think that it will be at all necessary
-We could Miss. We could put our hands up if we have a question and we could signal something else if we needed a wee
We dont say wee, we say may I go to the water closet
-The what closet?
The water closet. It's a much politer way of voicing your needs
-Couldn't we act out needing a wee, sorry, water closet, by like, well putting our hand between our legs like we're busting?
Desperate, not busting
-Sorry Sister, like we're desperate for a wee
Not wee, water closet. Oh for goodness sake. Now we will begin our silence.
(One minute passes)
Yes Clara. Do you need the water closet?
-No Sister, I have a question
But you had your hand between your legs
-No I didnt
Yes you did
-No I didnt
Yes, you did. Did anyone else see Clara with her hand between her legs
-I did Miss,
Thankyou Miranda
-But she don't need a wee Miss. She does that all the time
Thankyou. Now let us begin again.
Everybody take a deep breath in.....and out......
in..............and out............
in......
(alarm bell rings to end the lesson)