The Bible according to Strongy!
David and GoliathNow the Philistines gathered their forces for war and assembled at Sokoh in Judah. They pitched camp at Ephes Dammim, between Sokoh and Azekah. It was a Euro campsite so they got the third night free.
Saul and the Israelites assembled and camped in the Valley of Elah and drew up their battle line to meet the Philistines.The Philistines occupied one hill and the Israelites another, with the valley between them.
A champion named Goliath, who was from Gath, came out of the Philistine camp. His height was six cubits and a span. Or in English, bloomin uge!
He had a bronze helmet on his head and wore a coat of scale armor of bronze weighing five thousand shekels which was nearly as heavy as Vanessa Feltz. On his legs he wore bronze greaves, and a bronze javelin was slung on his back. His spear shaft was like a weaver’s rod, and its iron point weighed six hundred shekels. His shield bearer went ahead of him. He had the sat nav.
Goliath stood and shouted to the ranks of Israel, “Why do you come out and line up for battle? Am I not a Philistine, and are you not the servants of Saul? Choose a man and have him come down to me. If he is able to fight and kill me, we will become your subjects; but if I overcome him and kill him, you will become our subjects and serve us.”
Then the Philistine said, “This day I defy the armies of Israel! Give me a man and let us fight each other.” On hearing the Philistine’s words, Saul and all the Israelites were dismayed and terrified. "Bring forth a volunteer" No volunteer was brought forth. Infact a dirty tick was played. All men took a step backwards leaving you David standing out front. Alone. David hence replied "Oh crap!"
Now David was the son of an Ephrathite named Jesse, who was from Bethlehem in Judah.
For forty days the Philistine came forward every morning and evening and took his stand.
David, who had only come to see his brothers was feeling a little bit of a Wally right now.
"Who is this uncircumcised giant who defies our lord?"
"He is Goliath. And I don't think it's appropriate to bring his genitalia into it."
Now the Israelites had been saying, “Do you see how this man keeps coming out? He comes out to defy Israel. The king will give great wealth to the man who kills him. He will also give him his daughter in marriage and will exempt his family from taxes in Israel.”
Ok, for I have been keeping my father’s sheep. When a lion or a bear came and carried off a sheep from the flock, I went after it, struck it and rescued the sheep from its mouth. When it turned on me, I seized it by its hair, struck it and killed it. Your servant has killed both the lion and the bear; this uncircumcised Philistine will be like one of them, because he has defied the armies of the living God. The Lord who rescued me from the paw of the lion and the paw of the bear will rescue me from the hand of this Philistine.”
Saul said to David, “Go, and the Lord be with you.” But he really though that David was a nutter!
Then Saul dressed David in his own tunic. He put a coat of armor on him and a bronze helmet on his head. David fastened on his sword over the tunic and tried walking around, because he was not used to them. He walked like a complete numpty who was auditioning for the ministry of silly walks.
“I cannot go in these,” he said to Saul, “because I am not used to them.” So he took them off. Then he took his staff in his hand, chose five smooth stones from the stream, put them in the pouch of his shepherd’s bag and, with his sling in his hand, approached the Philistine.
Meanwhile, the Philistine, with his shield bearer in front of him, kept coming closer to David. He looked David over and saw that he was little more than a boy, glowing with health and handsome, and he despised him. He said to David, “Am I a dog, that you come at me with sticks?” And the Philistine cursed David by his gods. 44 “Come here,” he said, “and I’ll give your flesh to the birds and the wild animals!”
"There's no need to get shirty!" Replied Goliath as he took a step backwards.
David said to the Philistine, “You come against me with sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the Lord Almighty, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied. This day the Lord will deliver you into my hands, and I’ll strike you down and cut off your head. This very day I will give the carcasses of the Philistine army to the birds and the wild animals, and the whole world will know that there is a God in Israel. All those gathered here will know that it is not by sword or spear that the Lord saves; for the battle is the Lord’s, and he will give all of you into our hands.”
"Is he for real?!" Replied Goliath, laughing wholeheartedly to his men. "What a twonk!"
As the Philistine moved closer to attack him, David ran quickly toward the battle line to meet him. Reaching into his bag and taking out a stone, he slung it and struck the Philistine on the forehead. The stone sank into his forehead, and he fell facedown on the ground.
So David triumphed over the Philistine with a sling and a stone; without a sword in his hand he struck down the Philistine and killed him.
No one was more surprised than David himself.
David ran and stood over him. He took hold of the Philistine’s sword and drew it from the sheath. After he killed him, he cut off his head with the sword. After singing 'come and have a go if you think you're hard enough' repeatedly, David took the Philistine’s head and brought it to Jerusalem; he put the Philistine’s weapons in his own tent. He planned to sell them on ebay when it had been invented.
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Noah and the ark
The Lord told Noah to make a boat out of Cyprus wood. Noah, his wife, his sons and their wives could go too. Also they took two of every living thing on earth with them. A male and female. (seriously, how big is this boat?)
Take every kind of food, two of every animal, two of every bird and two of every insect. God asked for seven pairs of every animal. Make your mind up! Noah probably had to contact DIY SOS and build an extension!
Noah did everything that God commanded.
The flood begins
It rained for 40 days and 40 nights....(a bit like Wales!)
God said "I will wipe everything off the face of the earth, I will destroy everything I made -still in a mood then?!
Noah was 600 years old when the rains came...obviously very youthful to be able to build a boat and look after all those animals
The water rose to 20 feet above the highest mountain (god knows how they worked that out!)
Every living thing had died. Obviously we are overlooking the fact that it would be impossible for all those animals to live that long in close proximity without killing each other....and Noah's family for that matter!
the water contiued to cover the earth for 150 days. 40 days later, Noah opened a window. Must have stunk in there! He let out a dove three times. The first time it came back with nothing. The second time it returned with an olive branch. The third time it did not return, ungrateful little shit!
When Noah and his family left the boat, he built an alter, took some animals and burnt them as a gift to God. Which kind of defeats the object of saving them in the first place if you ask me!
The Lord smelt this and was pleased....he loves a good barbecue!
After the flood
All the people on earth were now descendants of Noah's sons-Shem, Ham and Japheth. Noah was 950 years old then he died.....whatever!
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This was based on an easy to read bible created (and I quote) "especially for people who want an English translation that accurately expresses the full meaning of the original text, in a style that s clear and easy to understand" ........bollocks!All quotes are taken from the book 'Holy Bible:easy to read version' by various translators. I intend to translate it following. "Holy Bible:lizzy's version'
During the time of Jacob, in Israel, God punished the people with a series of ten plagues, the death of the firstborn sons and released the waters of the red sea to drown the Egyptians......'God is good'...according to who?!
After millions of years, struggles between God, the Palastines, the Jews, the Egyptians, the Romans, the Hebrews.....then he created the World, Adam and Eve. So who the bloody hell created all the millions of people who came before?!
In five days God created the earth, sun, sky, ocean, plants and animals. On the sixth day God said "Now let's make humans who will be like us.....us?! I thought there was only one!
God created humans in his own image. He created them to be just like himself. He created male and female. Male AND Female?! No comment!
"have many children, fill the earth and take control.".......talk about contradictions!
Woman was created by taking a rib from man, whilst he was sleeping. .....deep sleeper then?!
When the lord discovered man had eaten from the tree, he blamed woman.....typical!
Woman explained that the snake had tricked her. God didn't listen (proof he s a man?!) God said the snake had done a very as thing and he would forever have to slither on his belly. He would make the snake and woman enemies. The snake will bite the childs foot, but he will crush the snakes head. God would make childbirth painful. The bloke got away with it....Charming!
After millions of years, struggles between God, the Palastines, the Jews, the Egyptians, the Romans, the Hebrews.....then he created the World, Adam and Eve. So who the bloody hell created all the millions of people who came before?!
In five days God created the earth, sun, sky, ocean, plants and animals. On the sixth day God said "Now let's make humans who will be like us.....us?! I thought there was only one!
God created humans in his own image. He created them to be just like himself. He created male and female. Male AND Female?! No comment!
"have many children, fill the earth and take control.".......talk about contradictions!
Woman was created by taking a rib from man, whilst he was sleeping. .....deep sleeper then?!
When the lord discovered man had eaten from the tree, he blamed woman.....typical!
Woman explained that the snake had tricked her. God didn't listen (proof he s a man?!) God said the snake had done a very as thing and he would forever have to slither on his belly. He would make the snake and woman enemies. The snake will bite the childs foot, but he will crush the snakes head. God would make childbirth painful. The bloke got away with it....Charming!
Through jealousy, Cain killed Abel and God was not happy. Cain was told to leave after God placed a mark on his body showing that no one could kill Cain. Cain left the Lord and lived in the land of Nod. Nod?!!!! Seriously?
Cain's family
Cain had sexual relations with his wife. She became pregnant and gave birth to a son named Enoch. Enoch had a son called Irad. Irad had a son called Mehujael. He has a son named Methushael. And Methushael had a son named Lamech. Strong male genes in that family then?!
Lamech married two women. (surely that's not right!) one wife named Adah, the other named Zillah. Adah gave birth to Jabal. Jabal was father to people who live in tents.....what the?!
Jabal was Jubal's brother who was father of people who play the harp (as you do)
Zillah gave birth to Tubal-Cain. Tubal-Cain was the father of people who work with bronze and iron. The sister of Tubal-Cain was Naamah. (confused yet? You will be!)
The Adam's family
Adam and Eve had another son called Seth. Adam was 130 years old. Adam lived 800 years and had other sons and daughters. In total Adam lived for 930 years. After Seth was 105 years old he had a son called Enosh. After Enosh was born, Seth lived for 807 years. He lived a total of 912 years:then he died.
After Enosh was 90 years old, he had a son called Kenan. After Kenan was 70. He had a son called Mahalalel. He lived for 840 years. (this goes on and on......not being funny, but anyone spot anything a little bit dodgy here?! Obviously very healthy sperm count for old men not to mention how old the mothers must have been!
Evil.
The lord saw that the people were evil. (nice!)
He said "I created all the people on earth and I will destroy every animal, every person and everything that crawls on the earth. I will destroy all the birds too. (talk about moody!)
Noah had pleased the lord. (god knows how cos everything else had pissed him off recently!)