It's Saturday night/Sunday morning
I am sitting in the dark, unable to sleep due to how this night has turned out. To cut a long story short, the lady next to me is being made comfortable with morphine and sedative as she is dying. 
She complained of having tummy ache and was calling out. I pressed my buzzer to get a nurse for her. She threw her head back and fell backwards across the bed and looked straight at me. The crash team came, did CPR compressions etc. They managed to get her back but not conscious. Her family were called and her daughter is here now. They are just sitting with her. She is going. It's just a matter of time.

Why am I blogging about this? Well, my blog so far has been funny (ish) but it was originally planned to be a window into me, the good the bad and the ugly.
Plus, this is part of it (as horrible as it is).....the whole circle of life (lion king style)
I have had 3 people die next to me now. I'm really hoping I'm not a bad omen! The first one was when I was 17 working at a nursing home in wigston. The second was on the Gastro ward when the lady opposite me had a stroke. I have had body bags wheeled past me but to actually see and hear it is different.
"She wouldn't stop fighting. That's what drove me mad. Just fighting and fighting" her daughter said. It's strange because people instantly tell me to keep fighting and never give up. 
I guess you have to get to a point where enough is enough.
It's strange but the first time it happened I was scared. But I just feel sad for her and her family. But mainly I am angry. Am angry because the nurse and the woman next to me are talking really loudly in a different language, with no regard for the family who are sitting the other side of, keeping their voices down so they don't disturb anyone! Surely that should be the other way round?One thing that's stuck with me through this whole thing is that no matter what it is, 9 times out of 10 you don't react in anyway that you expect.

Somethings are small in comparison to the major events but can often be the straw that breaks the camel's back.
"don't think she ever ate those cheese straws I got her. She loves her cheese straws"
Strange reaction for the daughter to have? In my new experience over the last 3 years nothing goes the way you expect. And you cannot plan for anything. You don't know how to deal with it until you do. 
Sometimes you feel there is no way forward. That you are falling down a big pit and there's nothing you can do, until your finger tips find that little rock to hold onto to stop you from falling. That net to break your fall or a loved one holds out their hand to catch you. 
I often get asked about having the courage to keep going, but I always answer what was the other option? To die?
I know there will be a time when it will be me in that bed. I take comfort in the fact that one minute she was there talking to me, telling everyone about my blanket with Flynn on it and demanding a cup of cocoa. The next few minutes with a bit of discomfort then gone. She has oxygen on and has a very weak heartbeat. 

The next few hours I suppose will be about her family saying goodbye and letting her go.
It just surprises me that the nurses have  no intention of being quiet, theyre just talking loudly, banging about at no really being there for the family. They haven't seen anyone to ask what happened to. Just a little friendly student nurse. It makes me mad and want to join the medical profession just to be that person they can lean on. The person who makes people smile. The one that makes it that little bit easier. 

You'd think I'd be a little uneasy with someone about to die next to me, especially someone I've been talking to this past week. But I've realised that some things in life you can control, something you can be in charge of and there's something's you just can't. No matter how good or pants they are, they just happen. You do have a choice on how you deal with it. And whatever that is, that's fine sometimes you just have to accept things and just be. Be in the moment that you're in.
And as for the people to my right, they are actually doing me a favour. They are talking about her and then talking a load of rubbish.

1.20am and she's gone. Just stopped breathing. I am now next to a dead body. Me lying in my bed, she in hers. Everyone's gone. Collected her stuff and walked away. No tearful goodbyes. Guessing theyll bring a bag and take her to the mortuary. My instinctive reaction was, don't take her there, it 'll be horrible! It really does show you that you really don't know what's around the next corner. What the new day has in store for you. So theres no point worrying, it just wastes time when you could  be doing something that you enjoy. I used to think the serenity prayer was silly but it does make a whole load of  sense. I have taken a lot of advice from people and one thing in particular stuck with me, (Thankyou Ashley Francis)
So anyone reading this, I don't want you to feel sorry for me, I don't want you to pity me. I want you to do one thing:

I want you to just be. Stop worrying about what might happen as when it does or doesnt  happen you have wasted so much time, fretting and getting yourself in a tizzy! Don't go making a bucket list and cram as many things in as possible. Enjoy the moment you are in. Some of the best times require no money, no forethought, no planning, they just happen. And that's when it's important to voice you're happiness, watching the dog run round the park, a smile from a stranger, a sunny day or just walking along the seafront at Sheringham. To recognise the things you love. To appreciate the little things and don't presume everyone knows what they mean to you. Don't take anything for granted. 
But more importantly. Just be.